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1st Annual ProZ.com Translation Contest: "Awakening" » Russian to English

Competition in this pair is now closed.

Source text in Russian

«Одним словом, жизнь его уже коснулась тех лет, когда все, дышащее порывом, сжимается в человеке, когда могущественный смычок слабее доходит до души и не обвивается пронзительными звуками около сердца, когда прикосновенье красоты уже не превращает девственных сил в огонь и пламя, но все отгоревшие чувства становятся доступнее к звуку золота, вслушиваются внимательней в его заманчивую музыку и мало-помалу нечувствительно позволяют ей совершенно усыпить себя».
Про меня?
Про меня.
И лет жизнь коснулась. И чувства отгорели. И никакого тебе огня и пламени, а одна только зола бывших дерзаний и терзаний, взлетов и полетов во сне и наяву. А золото на счетах и кредитных карточках звенит себе потихоньку, усыпляя и одурманивая. Не очень-то много его, золота, хотелось бы побольше, но кое-что звенит же, не сравнить с тем, что было лет каких даже десять назад, когда ни про какие тысячи в свободно конвертируемой валюте никогда и не мечталось.
А самое-то страшное, что «полет нормальный», что эта заманчивая музыка на мотивы, намурлыканные Гобсеком и скупым рыцарем, для души действительно намного приятней, чем бунтарские рок-н-рольные напевы семидесятых «оттуда» и восьмидесятых «отсюда».
Может, «честь безумцу, который навеет человечеству сон золотой»?
Стоп!
Но если эти слова все-таки что-то пережимают где-то там в душе, откуда слезы идут, если при чистосердечном признании о всей приятности музыки пиастр и дублонов, кредиток и кредитов все-таки что-то в этой душе скромно заказывает другую музыку (правда, нечем ему переплатить эти пиастры и дублоны), значит… все может повернуться вспять? Значит, и в эти лета, которых жизнь уж куда как надежно коснулась, все-таки может прикосновенье красоты развеять чары прагматики, может могущественный смычок дойти до всей души целиком и разбудить ее всю, без остатка, чтобы она проснулась ото сна душой цельной, в одном экземпляре, а не такой двоедушной или двадцатидушной, как она есть сейчас, во сне своем? А если может душа это все услышать и так ее могут эти слова прищемить, то не проснулась ли она уже?..
…Пискнуло из компьютера полученное письмо в рабочей папке. Это письмо надо было сразу читать, на него надо было сразу отвечать и сразу надо было им заниматься…
«Ладно, потом додумаю, когда разберусь с работой. А пока „поспим“ еще немного. Некогда пока вставать. Поспи, душа. Дела, родная!»

The winning entry has been announced in this pair.

There were 8 entries submitted in this pair during the submission phase, 5 of which were selected by peers to advance to the finals round. The winning entry was determined based on finals round voting by peers.

Competition in this pair is now closed.


Entries (8 total; 5 finalists) Expand all entries

Entry #6118
Samantha Payn
Samantha Payn
Մեծ Բրիտանիա
Winner
Voting points1st2nd3rd
409 x41 x22 x1
Rating typeOverallQualityAccuracy
Entry3.754.24 (17 ratings)3.25 (8 ratings)
Entry tagging:
 
 
  • 6 users entered 22 "like" tags
  • 8 users agreed with "likes" (20 total agrees)
+1
reached that stage
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart
+1
is shrivelled and gasping for breath
Flows well
well, real​y well...
Alexandra Taggart
+1
1
bow of passion, drawn ever more feebly across the heartstrings
Good term selection
evocative ​and natura​l English
Alan Campbell
+2
drawn ever more feebly across the heartstrings
Flows well
Roman Bulkiewicz
+2
heartstrings
Good term selection
Susan Welsh
heartstrings
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart
+7
when the touch of beauty no longer fans youthful ardour to scorching flames
Flows well
Jeff Skinner
+1
Is this about me?
Flows well
correct
Alexandra Taggart
this is the way it should be
Flows well
correct
Alexandra Taggart
rebellious
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart
all hail to the madman who plunges mankind into a golden slumber
Flows well
Realy good​!!! I shou​ld put it ​in my note​s...
Alexandra Taggart
golden slumber
Good term selection
Andriy Yasharov
+1
send shivers through my soul
Good term selection
...
Alexandra Taggart
+1
send shivers through my soul
Flows well
Susan Welsh
making tears well up
Good term selection
...
Alexandra Taggart
shyly demands
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart
left its mark
Good term selection
good
Alexandra Taggart
the touch of beauty can still chase away the pragmatist’s curse
Flows well
Roman Bulkiewicz
chase away
Flows well
correct
Alexandra Taggart
+1
fragmented in two or twenty pieces as it is now in its sleep
Flows well
Well done
Alexandra Taggart
+1
For now I’ll let sleeping dogs lie.
Flows well
Well done
Alexandra Taggart
Entry #7093
Finalist
Voting points1st2nd3rd
153 x41 x21 x1
Rating typeOverallQualityAccuracy
Entry3.663.31 (13 ratings)4.00 (7 ratings)
Entry tagging:
 
 
  • 3 users entered 22 "like" tags
  • 3 users agreed with "likes" (3 total agrees)
has been skirting the years
Flows well
good
Alexandra Taggart
fails to coil its piercing sounds about the heart;
Flows well
yes
Alexandra Taggart
fire and brimstone
Flows well
Susan Welsh
heed more closely its seductive music
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart
Is it about me?
Good term selection
yes
Alexandra Taggart
Yes, my life is skirting
Flows well
good
Alexandra Taggart
+2
skirting that time
Good term selection
Andriy Yasharov
trials and torments, soaring ascents and lofty glidings
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart
drugging me
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart
no comparison with what used to be just ten years ago, when one could hardly dream of thousands in freely convertible currency
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart
“normal course of events,”
Flows well
very well ​done, inde​ed
Alexandra Taggart
do wring something
Flows well
yes
Alexandra Taggart
where tears are born
Flows well
realy good
Alexandra Taggart
shyly commissions a different kind of music
Flows well
I like it
Alexandra Taggart
worked on by life
Flows well
yes
Alexandra Taggart
wholesome
Flows well
yes
Alexandra Taggart
not forked into two or twenty as it does now while asleep
Good term selection
well done
Alexandra Taggart
wakeful
Flows well
yes
Alexandra Taggart
+1
not forked
Flows well
Susan Welsh
No time for awakening yet
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart
I’m busy, love.”
Flows well
yes
Alexandra Taggart
chirp
Good term selection
Susan Welsh
Entry #7789
Finalist
Voting points1st2nd3rd
102 x41 x20
Rating typeOverallQualityAccuracy
Entry3.463.91 (11 ratings)3.00 (6 ratings)
Entry tagging:
 
 
  • 2 users entered 15 "like" tags
  • 1 user agreed with "likes" (1 total agree)
pristine
Flows well
Very good!
Alexandra Taggart
the burnt-out feelings become more susceptible to the sound of gold,
Good term selection
well done
Alexandra Taggart
imperceptibly allowing it to lull them completely to sleep."
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart
braveries and agonies, takeoffs and flights while dreaming and awake.
Flows well
correct
Alexandra Taggart
"normal flight pattern"
Flows well
Susan Welsh
still humbly requests a different sort of music
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart
touch of beauty can still break the spell of pragmatism
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart
spell
Good term selection
Susan Welsh
down to its very depths
Good term selection
could be
Alexandra Taggart
rouses from its sleep all in one piece, as a single entity
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart
...A beep was heard on the computer from an email received in the working folder
Flows well
yes
Alexandra Taggart
This email had to be read right away, answered right away and acted on right away...
Good term selection
yes
Alexandra Taggart
Fine, I'll think it over later, once I've sorted out the work
Good term selection
yes
Alexandra Taggart
snooze
Good term selection
Susan Welsh
+1
dear heart of mine
Flows well
Susan Welsh
Entry #7106
Jeff Skinner
Jeff Skinner
Շվեդիա
Finalist
Voting points1st2nd3rd
81 x42 x20
Rating typeOverallQualityAccuracy
Entry3.603.80 (10 ratings)3.40 (5 ratings)
Entry tagging:
 
 
  • 3 users entered 10 "like" tags
  • 2 users agreed with "likes" (2 total agrees)
touches the soul more delicately
Flows well
very elega​nt way to ​express
Alexandra Taggart
shrill sounds
Flows well
it is what​ the autho​r says
Alexandra Taggart
alluring
Flows well
yes
Alexandra Taggart
lulled to sleep by it
Flows well
very good
Alexandra Taggart
Of course it’s about me
Other
It is not ​said so, b​ut the mea​ning is co​rrectly ta​ken
Alexandra Taggart
Life has touched those years
Flows well
Yes, life ​has affect​ed him
Alexandra Taggart
far more agreeable to the soul
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart
evokes the golden dream
Good term selection
Andriy Yasharov
candidly acknowledging all the pleasantness
Good term selection
good
Alexandra Taggart
+2
chirps
Good term selection
Susan Welsh
Entry #6659
Finalist
Voting points1st2nd3rd
703 x21 x1
Rating typeOverallQualityAccuracy
Entry3.203.00 (12 ratings)3.40 (5 ratings)
Entry tagging:
 
 
  • 2 users entered 9 "like" tags
  • 2 users agreed with "likes" (3 total agrees)
ever more weakly draws across the soul and does not relent from its piercing sounds near the heart
Flows well
Thoughtful​ly transla​ted
Alexandra Taggart
ever more weakly draws across the soul and does not relent from its piercing sounds near the heart,
Flows well
translated​ nicely
Alexandra Taggart
+2
beguiling
Good term selection
Susan Welsh
dares and torments,
Good term selection
well done
Alexandra Taggart
tunes hummed by Gobseck
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart
squeeze something somewhere there
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart
+1
Whoa
Good term selection
Susan Welsh
there in the soul where tears come from
Flows well
Susan Welsh
draw across the entire soul at once
Flows well
well done
Alexandra Taggart


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